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- Recognize both side's emotions: Self-monitor your emotional state; if it's running high, consider why you're feeling that way and how you need to feel before you can make a particular statement or proposal. You may need to take a break, get refreshments, etc. Similarly, consider how the other side is feeling and remember that what they say in a given moment may be affected by their emotional state.
- Recognize basic human needs: Generally, everyone needs security, recognition, a sense of community, and control over their own fate. See Maslow's hierarchy of needs for more.
- Acknowledge the person: Find opportunities to acknowledge areas where someone is competent and/or has authority.
- Acknowledge emotions as legitimate: Discuss how each side feels about the situation that led to the negotiation. If the other side feels they've been wronged, try to see their point of view. If you're able to understand them, let them know that you can see their point and why they'd feel that way. Remain confident in doing so.
- Allow the other side to let off steam: If the other side has concerns, grievances, etc., ask them to list them out. It takes willpower to sit through this, but it will help you understand the other side. Again, remain confident.
- Don't react to emotional outbursts: This too takes willpower, but you have to do this to avoid a cascade of rage that can derail the negotiation.
- Use symbolic gestures: When the other side is angry, the proper use of a letter of sympathy or regret, eating together, an ernest earnest apology, shaking hands, and/or embracing can defuse the situation, even if you don't acknowledge personal responsibility for the action or admit an intention to harm.
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- Negotiate in private: Aim for negotiating one-on-one or with only the most important stakeholders.
- Ensure you're listening to the other side: An easy way to do this is to summarize back to them what you think they told you. Ask for corrections.
- Speak only for yourself: Do not accuse or assume. Use "I" statements rather than "you" statements.
- Speak for a purpose: Before making a significant statement, know what you want to communicate or find out, and know what purpose this will serve.
- "Yes, and": Instead of refusing with "but", say "yes...and". The "yes" part is where you acknowledge their point of view, and the "and" part is where you express your own. "Yes, our prices are high, and that's because our quality and customer service are the best in the industry".
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Don't ask for a final commitment until the end: Nothing is agreed until everything is agreed. Go over each issue carefully; more clarity now can save a lot of pain later.
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For many of these, the most important step is being aware of the tactics being used against you. If you are unfamiliar with any of these tactics, research until you can immediately identify them. Role play with a colleague in a mock-negotiation if need be.
Deliberate Deception
Stay alert, but don't let yourself slip into suspicion or paranoia.
- Phony facts: Verify when possible. Ask clarifying questions. Look for contradictions between current and past words/deeds. Negotiation is not a question of trust. Separate people from the problem.
- Ambiguous authority: Before starting with any give and take, verify the other side's authority. If they still try to pull a fast one on you, insist on reciprocity: the agreement is a joint draft until you deal with someone with the proper authority.
- Dubious Intentions: Craft a reasonable request that the other side would accept if they were genuinely cooperative. Build compliance features into the agreement itself, like contingent agreements, penalties, etc.
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Know your own hot buttons and be aware of when someone is pushing them, knowingly or not. You must exert willpower to keep yourself from reacting to them. You may need to pause and say nothing, or pause and then ask about something earlier in the discussion, before it started going downhill. You may have to call for a short break to recover mentally.
Don't get mad; don. Don't get even. Get what you want.
- Stressful situations: Politely but firmly call attention to the stressful nature of the situation or environment (noise, temperature, time pressure, thirst, hunger, scrutiny, etc.). Negotiate better physical circumstances in an objective and principled way.
- Personal attacks: Ignore the first one or reframe it as an attack on the problem. If it's about a past wrong, reframe it to look toward future remedies. Reframe from "you" and "me" to "we". If the attacks continue, politely but firmly call attention to the tactics. If they insist on continuing after they know you know what they're doing, offer to continue negotiations once they are ready to proceed in a professional constructive manner, ensure they have your contact info, and end the current negotiation session.
- The good guy/bad guy routine: Keep your own proposals in mind from your preparation: if neither the "good" guy or nor the "bad" guy's offer is something you're content with, probe them on the basis of their offers. Bring in objective criteria.
- Threats: If appropriate, warn the other side what will occur if the negotiations fall apart and possibly of your BATNA. A warning differs from a threat in that it is meant to be informative of cause and effect; it is separate from your own will.
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- Refusal to negotiate: They're trying to use their very entry into negotiations as a bargaining chip, or they're trying to set preconditions for negotiations. If you can verify this is true, insist on reciprocity and other objective criteria. Otherwise find out why they're not negotiating. Consider getting a third party to help with negotiations.
- Extreme demands: Call attention to their use of this tactic. Ask for principled justification of their position until the position looks ridiculous to everyone.
- Escalating demands: Call attention to it and then take a break while you consider whether and on what basis you'll continue negotiations.
- Last-minute demands:Ask if the other side is suggesting you re-open negotiations. If yes, treat the current agreement as a joint draft with no commitment until everyone is committed.
- Lock-in tactics: A lock-in is when the other side commits to a position in front of one or more stakeholders or constituents before entering negotiations. Reframe their lock-in as an aspiration or goal to help them save face. Or resist the lock-in on principle and focus on the problem at hand.
- Hardhearted partner: When someone says, "I'm fine with that, but my boss/lawyer/etc. refuses", confirm their assent (in writing if possible), and then bring in the hardhearted person and discuss it with them.
- Calculated delay: Look for objective conditions that force a deadline, like start/end of the semester, fiscal year, etc. Otherwise, inform the other side that you'll use these delays to strengthen your BATNA and create a fading opportunity: the more the other side delays, the better the odds that you'll find a way to meet your interests without them.
- Take it or leave it: Ignore it or change the subject if possible. Ask questions. Otherwise, inform the other side of your BATNA and look for a face-saving way for them to change their stance, like an unexpected change in circumstances or a plausible interpretation on policy.
- Inflexible deadline: Use it against them. Example: "I'd like to make a more generous offer, but in view of the time problem, this is the best we can do." Or, "To meet your deadline, we'll need your help. Can you (insert concessions here)?"
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